I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
