no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
