I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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