I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
Let the clothes fall where they may.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
