I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
