Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
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