walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
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