I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
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