we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
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