i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
I'm determined to sit on that face.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
Randomize
