You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
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