One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
Randomize
