I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
