So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
Sext me about skeletons
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Randomize
