i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Randomize
