there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
Randomize
