Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Randomize
