i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Randomize
