Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
i want tt clbm rinabw nd ride uncrn
what?
i wnt tto climb a rainboww and ride a unicornnnnnnnnn
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
