im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Randomize
