I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
