The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Randomize
