my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
