Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
