Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
Randomize
