I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
