I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
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