I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
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