the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
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