My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
