I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
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