I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
