Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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