I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
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