Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
