No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
