she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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