so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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