Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
