glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
