I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Randomize
