I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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