I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
She's like a pop up book from hell.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Randomize
