I queefed so loud it echoed.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize
