I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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