btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
Randomize
