what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
This girls' body was nothing short of spectacular...her face, was like the '09 Detroit Lions
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
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