Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
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