Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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