I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
Randomize
