Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Randomize
